HOOP: Hands Off Our Pussies!

“For every topless background extra, every actress that bares her bounties but doesn’t even get a line, every minute we have to sit through this dumb double standard, you owe us an inch of grade A man meat, and if you don’t do this… we will boycott you.

So don’t give us the shaft, show us the shaft. You’re a premium channel. Let’s see some premium penis.”

I’ve been unintentionally watching a lot of Hollywood porn. So I’d like to talk about the excess of nudity in films/tv, female in particular. As it were, I stumbled upon this College Humor gem that mirrors my sentiments exactly.

I find myself suffocated by tits on cable (HBO, Showtime), boobies in movies, and breasts in music videos (Robin Thicke, Justin Timberlake, every hip-hop song known to man). It doesn’t stop there though. I’ve been getting some full on vagina lately too. My question is- why?

I recently watched a number of films that show nudity without it promoting the plot of the film forward. I get that it’s supposed to be shock/realness factor or whatever, but we live in an age where porn is accessible online. I can read 50 Shades on my e-reader in public. Point being, it just seems unnecessary.

In The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Rooney Mara bares all because she’s sooooo edgy. In Side Effects, Mara’s vagina winks at me again while Channing Tatum is cleverly concealed. The Impossible, an Oscar nominated movie about family, had a generous view of Naomi Watt’s nips. Like the gracious Alice Eve Star Trek shot, there was no fucking need for this scene. Show the woman’s black bloodied foot- it was a huge part of the movie. Her tits did nothing to make a point. Trance, the Danny Boyle film about heist and hypnosis did the same. Rosario Dawson’s full frontal shaved vagina was supposed to be some kitchy fetish for the protagonist. It did absolutely nothing for the story that wasn’t already explained.

These are Oscar nominated/winning people. Where the fuck are your standards? (Their less sexualized films gained more prestige than these sex-laced alternatives). The whole point of movies is excellence in storytelling. Distracting and condescending your audiences with sex is just stupid. When I think about my favorite movies, what makes them memorable is never the sex scenes. In Fight Club, the dialogue made that film amazing. You know why people love Citizen Kane? I bet it’s not because of all the sex.

From an economic standpoint, it actually helps to not have nudity. No nudity=lower rating= wider audience access= more $$$.

I can’t help but feel like this cheapens films, and makes film makers seem lazy.

A related issue, as demonstrated by the wonderful video above, with the excess of female nudity, where is the male equivalent? One Segel film, or Alex Skarsgard tv scene does not come close to the sea of breasts and vagina on our screens. You know the 3:1 ratio of men to women that are working in Hollywood? Strike that, reverse it, and you’ve got the female to male nudity ratio*.

“You’ll show a pregnant woman getting stabbed in the baby and you won’t show one innocent little hard dick”

I mean, honestly. We can watch brutal force, naked women, brutal force to naked women (and still be watching a rated PG-13 movie), but god forbid showing us your dicks? The fuck are you growing down there? You, like your ‘manhood’, masses of Hollywood sirs, are too small.

So please filmmakers, men and women with common sense and decency, I implore you to give us better entertainment. Stop cheapening your stories with sex, leave something to the imagination, and for the love of god, keep your hands off our pussies.


*Not a fact-based statistic. Although it might as well be.


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